An excerpt from my journal on April 12, 2022:
I want to tame my monkey brain. The part of my mind that criticizes every single thing I do. Every urge I feel. Every choice I make. Every word I say — even when it’s on my heart.
I know I do things that maybe are for attention. And sometimes, that makes me feel terrible. Guilty. Ashamed. Immature. I beat myself to a pulp.
I think I just want to feel good. I want to feel confident. Sometimes, I want to show off. I know that’s normal and all, but at times, it just feel so wrong. Criminal, almost. Like I don’t deserve love. Which only perpetuates the cycle.
How do I know what is me and what is this ego-driven aspect of my being? It’s still a part of me, right? All humans have egos. Do they define us to an extent?
It feels unfair sometimes that I have all this baggage and am judged for the way I carry it — by people who do not understand and don’t even try. It feels unfair there’s still this immaturity living inside me. I want to be perfect. Only then will my mind be kind to me.
I’m not sure who needed to hear — read — this, but I know I did. Be easy on yourself. You’re human.